Why the Times Square Bomb Was a Bust

Much has been said since last Saturday night about how primitive the bomb was that Faisal Shahzad left in the back of the parked SUV in Times Square. In fact, as Jon Stewart brilliantly pointed out, some newscasters came dangerously close to teaching Shahzad how to do it right. But has it occurred to anyone that perhaps the bomb was not so much amateur but simply not ready yet? Picture this scenario:

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Faisal parks his SUV in Times Square and turns around looking dementedly toward the rear of the vehicle. “I have but a few steps yet to complete the explosive and then I will teach the infidels a thing or two” he says with a devious laugh. As he prepares to put the final touches on his weapon of mass destruction, he gets an irrepressible urge. “Damn I’m thirsty. Mmm, there is a 7-Eleven across the street. Man could I use a Slurpee right now.” So Faisal leaves the SUV running while he runs into the 7-Eleven for his refreshing beverage. By the time he emerges from his fine dining, he sees a mounted policeman across the street looking at his car. “Curses,” says Faisal, “Western civilization has tempted me with their sinful concoction and foiled my plan!” Faisal Shahzad then runs into the darkness of the night hoping never to be found.

But seriously, is it just me or does it seem that al Qaeda blew its intellectual load on 9/11? Tragedy though it was, one cannot deny the genius of that attack. A multi-site, coordinated attack using a trusted means of transportation as a fleet of missiles. Back in the day, comedian Bill Maher caught a lot of grief for saying that. His timing might have sucked but he was right on the money.

Since then we’ve had a couple of notable Three Stooges attempts at terrorism. Richard Reid couldn’t set his shoes on fire to save his life (or to kill others). Umar Abdulmutallab caused mass destruction only to his testicles. And now Mr. Shahzad joins the gang that couldn’t shoot straight. It could be argued that the only reason Fort Hood shooter Nidal Hasan “succeeded” was that he was in a position of trust where people knew him but did not fear him. Had he wandered into a random supermarket and started firing one has to wonder if he wouldn’t have shot himself in the foot first.

We can only hope that the caliber of terrorist recruited by these radical Muslim nutjobs remains this lame. Keep them coming boys, since once we catch them all they do is spill the beans on the rest of you anyway. You’re actually helping our cause by sending us incompetent fools who don’t hold up well under interrogation.

Oh, one more thing. On MSNBC tonight I could have sworn I heard that we know what “training camp” Shahzad attended. Could someone please explain to me why we know the location of terrorist training camps and we have not bombed them to smithereens yet? Rather than kill lots of innocent people with drone attacks aimed at one or two al Qaeda leaders, why don’t we flatten these training camps? OK, let’s give Karzai, Zardari and Saleh two weeks notice. You guys bomb the crap out of the camps or we come in and do it ourselves. While we’re at it, let’s take out Yemeni cleric Anwar al-Awlaki once and for all so he can stop inciting folks to do his dirty work.

Then let’s present the entire story of our victory over terrorism on …. South Park.


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