We Need Some Good GOP Campaign Songs

A few days ago one of my loyal readers posted a Liz Warren campaign song video (even though she’s not running for anything right now). The video was posted to my comments section with a snide comment and reminder of the Obama songs we contended with in 2008.

I wondered why we never see any good campaign songs for the GOP contenders? Rather than mock Warren’s supporters, how about putting together some ditties for your candidates? So I figured in this time of dark headlines and world unrest, we could use a lighter post today. Here are my song fragments for a few of the leading contenders for the GOP POTUS run.

Mitt Romney (provide your own melody)

Mitt’s the hit, he’s the hole in one.
Michigan’s favorite son.

Vote for Mitt and you can bet
He’ll wipe out Russia, our biggest threat.

“Bankrupt Detroit”, our Mitt foretold
That GM cars would all soon explode.

The war on women will gets its licks
When Mitt opens up his binder of chicks.

VOTE FOR MITT, HE’S THE HIT!!

Rand Paul (provide your own melody)

Rand Paul, he’s our man
A tried and true Libertarian

Rand Paul, he’s our man
He won’t send your son to die in Iran.

He’ll get the gov out of your bedroom
And let you smoke pot and eat your shrooms.

And just like his Daddy said
He’ll stop foreign aid and audit the Fed.

Jeb Bush (to the melody of John Lennon’s “Give Peace a Chance”)

Everybody’s talking ’bout Iraq, Afghans, Katrina, failed banks, Cheney, Rumsfeld.

All we are saying, give Jeb Bush a chance!

Everybody’s talking ’bout Father, Brother, dynasty, even Mother say’s it’s bullshit but

All we are saying, give Jeb Bush a chance!

Marco Rubio (to the melody of “La Bamba”)

Come on and vote for Marco.
Come on and vote for Marco, the Cuban wonder.
He’s not like Obama.
He’s not like Obama, he will not plunder
Your hard earned wages.
Your hard earned wages will stay with you, will stay with you, will stay with you!

Come on and vote for Marco.
Come on and vote for Marco, the Rubio.
He will fix immigration.
He will fix immigration but do it slow.
Don’t want to piss off the right wing
Don’t want to piss off the right wing and Tea Party
He will fix immigration
He will fix immigration very slowly, very slowly, very slowly.

MARCO, MARCO
MARCO, MARCO
MARCO, MARCO
MARCO!!

Chris Christie (to the melody of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”)

Have yourself a President Chris Christie.
He’s a voice that’s new.
While others coddle voters, he just says “Fuck you!”

So have yourself a President Christie — FUCK YOU!

Respectfully,
Rutherford

How To Produce Your Opponent’s Campaign Ad

Anyone who has been following the race for the GOP Presidential nomination has noticed that Mitt Romney, although the front-runner, just doesn’t seem to make his party happy.  So, the party keeps searching for someone with more of a pulse than Romney. Like clients of an online dating service, the GOP electorate reads the profiles and looks at the pretty pictures but then leaves the actual date dissatisfied. They’ve gone out with Donald Trump, Michele Bachmann and most recently Rick Perry and in each case the dating game did not result in a love connection.

With the odds 99.999% against Jeb Bush or Paul Ryan throwing their hat into the ring, only two names remain as possible alternatives to Mitt. One has repeatedly said he won’t run and the other repeatedly teases us that she might. However both have made statements on video that are tailor-made for their opponent to use should they decide to enter the race. Interestingly, their statements disqualify them for completely opposite reasons.

I’m Not Ready

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has offered Barack Obama the best possible campaign ad imaginable. Just look at these quotes from Christie:

“I don’t feel like I’m ready to run.”
“First you have to have it in your heart, you have to want it more than anything else … I don’t want it that badly.”
“You have to believe in your heart and your soul and your mind that you’re ready and I don’t believe that about myself right now.”
“You have to believe in your heart that you’re ready to walk into the Oval Office and lead the nation and I don’t feel that I’m ready.”

The Governor has been consistent in his message and heaven help him if he changes his mind because his quotes will be played in a continuous loop by the Obama campaign.

The Presidency Isn’t Big Enough For Me

Now, every time Alaska half-Governor Sarah Palin opens her mouth she provides fodder for opposing campaign ads but her latest salvo really takes the cake. In an interview with CNN’s Greta Van Susteren, Palin suggests that the presidency is just a title and that the role might “shackle” her. She wouldn’t be free to be that maverick rogue that we’ve all come to know and love. This should not surprise us since four years ago Sarah wasn’t sure the Vice Presidency of the United States would be a productive enough job for her.

If Sarah runs, all the DNC has to do is replay her dismissal of the importance of the Presidency over and over again.

I have clearly chosen the wrong avocation. I need to go work for the Democratic Party because the GOP would make my job so easy for me.

Respectfully,
Rutherford

Photo credit: David Shankbone via Wikipedia

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Bush in 2012, Really (and a Sip of Tea)

Bush in 2012, Really

Rich Lowry’s penis has finally stopped making his decisions for him and he seems to have gotten off the Sarah Palin train. In a recent article in National Review Online, Rich offers eight reasons why Jeb Bush should run for President in 2012. I’ll paraphrase Rich’s points from a liberal perspective:

1. Nobody else worth a damn is running or as Rich puts it, it’s a wide open field.

2. By 2016, Jeb’s resume will be stale.

3. By 2016 the current crop of newbies (Christie, Rubio, etc.) will be seasoned enough to jump into the ring.

4. Brother George is enjoying a perverse sort of nostalgia right now.

5. Regardless of George’s stink, Jeb will still be a Bush in 2016 so he might as well jump now.

6. He’s not like Dad or Brother — see my additional reason #9 below!

7. Jeb might be a GOP uniter. This is where Rich throws Sarah under the bus (cue the moose death groan) saying she is too polarizing and implying that Romney is too bland.

8. Better to run too soon than too late. Of course this fails Rich’s own internal logic from reason #3. If it’s better to run too soon, why is he not advocating for Christie or Rubio now?

And now my two extra reasons for Bush in 2012:

9. Jeb was the smart one. From everything I’ve seen, read and heard, it was Jeb who should have sought the nomination back in 2000, not his dumb-ass brother. Jeb lacks George’s swagger and seems to have replaced it with some real intellect. If I’m not mistaken, he also speaks fluent Spanish.

10. It’s enough to give Presidential historians an orgasm. I’m a bit rusty now but I used to be a Presidential history buff. Jeb, if he won, would add another great first to the annals of Pres history. We have John Adams and his son John Quincy (so George 43 broke no records there), we had William Henry Harrison and his grandson Benjamin and of course we had Teddy Roosevelt and his cousin Franklin. Jeb taking the oath in 2013 would give us the first case of a President (George Herbert Walker) having TWO sons in the White House.

Honestly, I’d like to see a worthy adversary go against Barack in 2012 for one simple reason. I don’t trust this country not to throw Obama out for a knucklehead so if Obama has to lose to someone (and I don’t think that is a foregone conclusion), I’d like it to be someone I could minimally respect. And speaking of respect …

A Tasty Sip of Tea

Well ever since they took the oath in January in the 112th Congress, we’ve been waiting to see what those racist fear mongering Teabaggers would do and I’m shocked to say this but I actually respect their very first major move. So much so, I shall officially retire the term “teabagger” from my vocabulary. Yesterday, Tea Party caucus members were key players in not extending three provisions of the Patriot Act including warrantless wire tapping.

Who would have thought this early in the game that Tea Party members and liberals would be on the same page regarding civil liberties and government over reach? Heck, if not being able to spell and totally misunderstanding the Constitution gets these great results I may have to completely reevaluate my Tea Party stand. I think I’ve got enough bags left in my Red Rose box in the cupboard to start working on my hat. Oh and I’ll have to buy a gun. This sounds like the start of a great relationship.

Respectfully,
Rutherford

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