A Modest Proposal for Israel

In 1729, Jonathan Swift wrote a satirical essay called A Modest Proposal. I begin this post with my apologies to Mr. Swift for swiping his title.

Israel once again finds itself at the center of a crisis. There is much written about whether Israel’s latest attack on the Gaza strip is appropriate or over the line. I would like to see more written on how to permanently solve the Arab-Israeli conflict that has gone on for decades.

Now I am no world historian but I attribute the existence of Israel (established in 1948 ) to two factors. Simply put, many Jews consider it their God given homeland. Secondly, it serves as a safe haven after the atrocities of World War II. Does Israel, in its current form, satisfy either of these factors? No.

1. Anyone who argues about what is ordained by God will be arguing forever. Non-Jewish Palestinians and Israelis are never going to come to terms with this. That is one major disadvantage of religion. Everyone thinks they’ve got THE answer.

2. Israel is surrounded by countries that don’t particularly like her. So Israel is anything but a safe haven for Jews seeking protection from persecution.

I propose the following solution that would end the conflict once and for all. Since we are the leader of the free world it behooves us to step in and make real change in the region. On a personal level, if no one in my neighborhood likes me and in fact they threaten me at every turn, I pick my family up and we move to a new neighborhood. What should Israel do? Move! Who can help them move? We can!

I have two alternatives that can be done either as an act of charity or as a great commercial endeavor. We give or sell to Israel either New Jersey or Alaska. Charity would be the more Christian approach but considering the state of our economy I think I’d place a price tag on it.

In the case of New Jersey, the land mass is slightly less than that of Israel (7417 square miles compared to Israel’s 8550) but the sale would put a stop to all the embarrassing New Jersey jokes we have to contend with and Israelis would have access to some of the best pizza I’ve ever tasted. Now I don’t have an answer for the sticky question of what we do with all the current residents of New Jersey. Additionally, it would kinda put a kink in our usual reference to the 48 contiguous states.

Therefore, my preferred solution is Alaska. First, as far as I know, Canadians have no gripe against Israel so Israel would immediately have a friendly neighbor. Second, think about all that land and not a single Alaskan would have to relocate! Plus I don’t know about you but I’d take Ehud Olmert any day over Sarah Palin. I don’t know how cold the winters in Israel get so Israelis would have to get used to the new climate. One other major advantage, lots of folks think that Alaska is the place to be when it comes time to be saved so Israel can even get a good religious reason for being there. (Something tells me Jews are not part of the Alaska salvation story but some adaptations could be made!)

With Alaska renamed Israel, we’d have a population finally free of hostility and persecution. We’d have some big bucks to stimulate the economy. And last but not least, the Middle East would finally have nothing to fight about and peace would prevail there forever and ever.

Ehhh, well I’m not so sure about that last assertion. It runs counter to my Sneetches philosophy.


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10 thoughts on “A Modest Proposal for Israel

  1. …and of course Palestinians taste great with curry sauce.

    If I didn’t know better, I’d think Mr. Swift had come back from the great beyond to comment on my blog! 🙂

  2. Brilliant. Every – last – word.

    I’m not sure the Israelis would like the Alaskan climate and winter darkness, but it sure beats suicide bombings, hands down.

  3. You missed the obvious… Florida. That can work one of two ways.

    1) Sell a parcel of Florida roughly equivalent to the landmass of Israel. As long as it doesn’t encompass southeast Florida, that’s reserved for future use as a Latin America country.

    2) Alternatively, we could give up NJ and all the Joisey people can be relocated to Florida (they’re all gonna end up down here anyway, so why not expedite a little?)

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