What to Expect from First Lady Cindy McCain

The Cindy McCain cookie scandal got me thinking about what we might expect from Cindy during her days in the White House. So let’s fast forward to September of 2017 to see the highlights of her reign as First Lady.

April, 2009 — When a fire breaks out in the White House, Cindy risks life and limb to save precious presidential portraits. With Chuck Norris waiting on the South Lawn, Cindy valiantly tosses portraits of Eisenhower, Nixon, Ford, Reagan and both Bush’s out the window as Norris catches them below. Portraits of FDR, Truman, Kennedy, Johnson, Carter and Clinton perish in the blaze. [1]

June, 2010 — Cindy bans all alcoholic beverages from the White House, claiming to be the first First Lady to do so. She is henceforth nicknamed “Soda Cindy”. [2]

May, 2011 — Defying all reproductive expectations, Cindy gives birth to a baby, whom she names Ruth. She subsequently demands that Nestle name a candy bar after her daughter. [3]

June, 2012 – November, 2012 — No longer able to tell Sunnis from Shia, Iran from Iraq, or R Kelly from Jay-Z, President McCain is prescribed prolonged bed rest. From behind the scenes, Cindy gives combat orders to the generals in all the countries with which we are at war: Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, North Korea, Vietnam (again) and Switzerland (McCain — “It’s time we kicked those fence-sitters asses.”) John recovers in time for the November election which he wins in a landslide sympathy vote against Hillary Clinton. [4]

June, 2015 — In another stroke of originality, Cindy begins serving afternoon tea on the South Lawn to honor the fallen soldiers in Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, North Korea, Vietnam, Switzerland and England (McCain declares war on England in 2013 based on old grudges he’d held onto since the Revolutionary War days.) [5]

September, 2017 — President McCain’s failed attempt to change the Constitution, allowing him a third term, sends Cindy into despondency. However, shortly after leaving the White House, Cindy announces her various addictions to the public and is instrumental in the founding of the Cindy McCain Clinic, the first, so she says, rehab facility ever named after a First Lady. [6]

When asked to summarize her years in the White House, Mrs. McCain said, “I think I was quite productive. I certainly didn’t spend my time sitting around baking cookies, even though I had many original recipes from which to choose.”


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9 thoughts on “What to Expect from First Lady Cindy McCain

  1. Cookiegate ia overblown, it was just a mistake by an intern. Cindy’s real home-made recipe is for delicious chocolate fudge brownies with a percocet glaze. Unfortunately you can only get them behind the bakery counter.

  2. OK. I considered it seriously.


    Like anyone would show up for what I write. I’m banned from both Democrat Underground AND Little Green Footballs. In addition to being a racist, I am, by accusation, an anti-Semite, a homophobe, and a misogynist. I earned my ‘amoral warmonger’ merit badge years ago from a Chemistry PhD in Massachusetts. I started working on my ‘amoral pornographer’ badge on The Jawa Report last week. Bluto, the Dread Pundit bailed out of a thread that I was on before I made him cry.

    No. Nobody would seek to read what I write. A friend of mine here locally warned me, “Just because you’re right doesn’t mean anyone is going to like you.”

    People like what you write. I like what you write.

    Oh, yeah. About what you wrote. This Cindy McCain thing is a little out of character, but it’s not like I find much fault with it. It doesn’t matter who wins the Presidency, we will all think back fondly to these days when Laura Bush was First Lady, a librarian without pretension or ulterior motives. Michelle Obama is a younger, more energized, and probably more intelligent Hillary. Mrs. McCain might become a modern Mary Lincoln. It’s just going to suck for the next four years.

  3. Cindy appears to have a lot to hide. I wonder about her perfect face, Is her hair color natural? You want to put the right spin on revealing your income statement? It appears that she waited to see if what’s his name was a viable candidate.

  4. Thanks for the comment on my blog! I’m going to put you up on my blogroll as soon as I remember how to do it. haha

  5. Lottie, thanks! And to any other readers of this entry, when I get a chance I’ll need to update all my footnotes. Unfortunately, the first lady trivia site that I used as an historical source seems to have gone out of business. Apologies to all.

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