What to Expect from First Lady Cindy McCain

The Cindy McCain cookie scandal got me thinking about what we might expect from Cindy during her days in the White House. So let’s fast forward to September of 2017 to see the highlights of her reign as First Lady.

April, 2009 — When a fire breaks out in the White House, Cindy risks life and limb to save precious presidential portraits. With Chuck Norris waiting on the South Lawn, Cindy valiantly tosses portraits of Eisenhower, Nixon, Ford, Reagan and both Bush’s out the window as Norris catches them below. Portraits of FDR, Truman, Kennedy, Johnson, Carter and Clinton perish in the blaze. [1]

June, 2010 — Cindy bans all alcoholic beverages from the White House, claiming to be the first First Lady to do so. She is henceforth nicknamed “Soda Cindy”. [2]

May, 2011 — Defying all reproductive expectations, Cindy gives birth to a baby, whom she names Ruth. She subsequently demands that Nestle name a candy bar after her daughter. [3]

June, 2012 – November, 2012 — No longer able to tell Sunnis from Shia, Iran from Iraq, or R Kelly from Jay-Z, President McCain is prescribed prolonged bed rest. From behind the scenes, Cindy gives combat orders to the generals in all the countries with which we are at war: Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, North Korea, Vietnam (again) and Switzerland (McCain — “It’s time we kicked those fence-sitters asses.”) John recovers in time for the November election which he wins in a landslide sympathy vote against Hillary Clinton. [4]

June, 2015 — In another stroke of originality, Cindy begins serving afternoon tea on the South Lawn to honor the fallen soldiers in Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, North Korea, Vietnam, Switzerland and England (McCain declares war on England in 2013 based on old grudges he’d held onto since the Revolutionary War days.) [5]

September, 2017 — President McCain’s failed attempt to change the Constitution, allowing him a third term, sends Cindy into despondency. However, shortly after leaving the White House, Cindy announces her various addictions to the public and is instrumental in the founding of the Cindy McCain Clinic, the first, so she says, rehab facility ever named after a First Lady. [6]

When asked to summarize her years in the White House, Mrs. McCain said, “I think I was quite productive. I certainly didn’t spend my time sitting around baking cookies, even though I had many original recipes from which to choose.”

(Dis)respectfully,
Rutherford

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